xanga is dead.

i lost my crayon...

don't know what to do

why did i fight with her,
why didnt i listen to what she has to say?
i mean yeah i dont want to listen to what she's saying,
because i like what i'm seeing,
and i'm not caring how i'm feeling.
she told me to stop,
she told me to get help,
but i still don't see the problem,
i want us to talk again,
i want us to still be friends,
will we?
are we?
i want to talk to her,
but i'm not sure what to say...
i wish i wasn't so hard headed....
why do i always do this?

why am i so clingy?
i feel like i annoy the crap out of people...
i feel like people just talk to me because they fell sorry for me..
do they?
do you?
i hate it when people say 'i'm sorry about your dad'
no!
be thankful
cause it sucks,
and i'm tired of it,
i'm tired of people saying 'your dad looks down on you and he's proud'
NO!
if my dad wanted to be proud...
HE WOULD BE HERE!
i'm trying not to be mad at him,
but gosh it's frekin hard...
i mean i thought i was past it,
but i don't think i have even dealt with it yet
and it sucks.

she told me i needed help,
and i didn't listen to her....
maybe i do,
whats wrong with me?
why do i do this?
gosh
i'm having another crappy night....
great,
now i'm gonna go to bed crying,
mad, confussed, sad, upset, and thankful.

i'm so thankful that i still have my mom,
even tho she's having issues right now...
i'm still thankful,
that i have my friends, who are family
i mean some people have nothing at all,
and here i am complaining about not having a dad?
what the heck!?
gosh,
i feel selfish

well i hope yall are having a better night than me.
and carly,
i'm sorry
i don't wanna change,
but i'm sorry,
maybe this is what i'm supposed to be...
i'm not really sure right now....
and i don't know what to do....

charles and rucker.......

ok so today i got back from atlanta. i had been there since sunday. it was amazing. i went to a place called the 'frazer center'. the people there had mental disabilitys. for the first half of the day i played with 4year olds.. then the last part of the day i visited the adults. in the kids room (the jungle room) i fell in love  with this little boy Rucker. He was so sweet, and sooo cute! in the adult room is where i meet my best friend Charles. He is sooooo nice, sweet, always smiling, and so full of life. I'm not really sure what either of them had, and i really don't care. I just ask that you pray for them, and that God will send more people to visit with them, and talk to them. like what we did.
 when we left i cried... it was bad, but what can i say?
my heart broke for them.
why do they have disabilities?
why doesn't Charles have any family to visit him?
why will Rucker have to go through life like this? he's only 4 years old...
why don't i have something like that wrong with me?
why can't i be with them everyday for the rest of their lives?
why?

i know those are hard questions.. well for me they are.
and i know that God does everything for a reason.. but...
i just wish they didn't have to live life this way.

one thing that really touched my heart was when i was hugging Charles goodbye for the last time ever....
he said ...
" aww my lady it's ok!(he called me his lady)  I'll see you in heaven! we have eternity together!"00
that made my heart crumble.
i just love him so much.
i didn't want to leave.

everytime i walked in the room, he would smile, get up and hug me!
everytime i saw him, he had the biggest smile i have ever seen.
if i could have lived there with him... i would have.
he is the happiest, funniest, nicest, most amazing person i have ever meet.
and i miss him more than i have every missed anyone befor.
i know i touched his heart, and he has mine.
i just wish he could understand how much i do love him.
but i am so thankful that i will get to see him in heaven.

when i told Rucker (and the others there were 8 total) that i was leaving, and i wasn't comming back, two of them started to cry.
i felt so bad.
i made a relationship with them, then i just leave?
i couldn't stop crying yesterday.
i have a few pictures,
but thats not enough....
i want to see them.
i want to see them right now.
if only you could have meet them.
i know you would be in love,
just like i am.
 
please pray for them.
i just want them to have the best life that they can.
i don't want them to be sad, mad, or confussed.
i want them to be happy,
i want Rucker to grow up, following his dreams.
i want Charles to get smarter...
to keep smiling
to keep bringing happiness to people just like me.

both Rucker and Charles have shown me something....
it doesn't matter what you've gone throught...
theres still hope,
theres still someone who loves you....
and for that life lesson,
i will always be thankfull.

i will always miss them
i will alwyays pray for them
i will always think of them
and i will always love them with my whole heart and nothing less than that!

<b>
i love you Rucker
i love you Charles!

lauren

a phone call that made me understand...

so i'm doing better...
i love hanging out with my friends from church.
they are the best ever!
i'm doing better because,
i got a phone call last night...
and i now understand that i am not alone in this pain and suffering.
people are there for me. even people that i would have never thought  would be,
are there for me,
and they are letting me know that.
ive been talking to my good friend jay lately, and he said something that really moved me..
he said that we need each other in life.
he's never know of anyone who could share his pain, but now i can.
im so thankful that i can be there for him, and that he can be there for me.
i know theres other people in the world that understand what i'm going through... but i know jay. and i like talking to him.
so it all works out... well for now anyway.
my mom can be gone as much as she wants...
i have my friends...
i have people that really care about me and love me.
not people that are going to be there one day, and gone the next.
these people are here in my life, forever. and i know i have their sholder to cry on.
and i always will.
i'm so glad that God has shown me this.
I love how he works out things....
in away, i love how i can't see the whole picture... because when he shows me a glimps..
i just can't seem to stop thinking about it.
thinking about how i'm not alone..
how i have been so blessed with these wonderful friends
how He is going to take care of me
how He does love me
how he sends me these people to speak to me, and show me love, happiness, and  
just how wonderful life is.

so when you are down, or sad, or anything of that sort
just remember that God does love you
He does care about you
He is there for you
and He will take care of you
we just can't see the whole picture,
but He can.
so trust Him..
he won't let you down.
it may seem like He is,
but i promise you,
He will never fail you
even if you fail Him.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,
and death shall be no more,
neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore,
for the former things have passed away ~ Revelation 21:4"